GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

I wonder if anyone is truly given enough time to heal from a broken relationship. I don't think we're allowed time. People are expected to move on quickly "oh, you know he was no good for you" "you weren't even happy so why do you care?" No matter how bad the relationship was, you were still invested. You loved that person totally and whole-heartedly for that moment in time- the lying or deceit, the LOGIC behind the failed relationship, cannot take that away. 

My last relationship was bad. He wasn't right for me, there was no trust, I was unhappily obsessed with snooping on his obsessive porn addiction (worst period of my life thus far), he didn't treat me with respect, my friends and family didn't like him, we fought often... and yet all of that doesn't take away from the simple fact that I loved him. I know it sounds insane from just that information, but there is always good with bad and I loved the good.

And I'm still angry about it 2 years later. I feel this guilt like I shouldn't be. I'm very happy in my new relationship of over 1 year. And yet I STILL feel like I need that closure. I think the only way I would gain closure now would be to see him happy with someone else (he is still single and has said in the past I am the only person he will ever love) and be able to do the occasional "Hey how are you" e-mail instead of not talking at all.

I'm just so pissed when I think about it. How screwed I feel. I tried so hard to make it work. I really loved him, and we even bought a ring together. I was out of my fucking mind. And yet, knowing this, I still compare my current boyfriend to him. I'm messed up because now it doesn't feel as passionate unless there is fighting, crying, and making up. Now trying to cope with a healthy relationship feels wrong. Being able to completely trust my boyfriend feels wrong. How crazy is that?

How do you let go? How do you say, I made the right decision and he will be okay without me. And I will be okay in my current relationship. And the past does not have to repeat.

I think if we are still grappling with failed relationships and looking for answers, that should be okay. It's okay to be mad, ALLOW yourself to be mad, learn from it and move on. Or not. But either way our past relationships are our past and our past makes us who we are today. Accepting your past has to lead to accepting yourself. Right?

Okay so let's try this.

Dear Andy,

I am writing this in a blog because I cannot tell it to you, but I need to say it somewhere. And although this feels beyond cheesy I am going to try it. You hurt me. A lot. But you already know this and I know you feel like you lost everything when you lost me. And what we went through was rough and we both came out scarred. But you're going to be okay. I still care about you and always will. But you and I were never meant to be together like we thought at first. And we will both be happier outside of that relationship. I hope you can find happiness. And I hope I can allow myself happiness too. I hope you can learn from those 2 years and take something away that is not just depression and loss. I forgive you. All the best.

Me

I still cannot believe I am writing this over 2 years after the break-up. I know that about myself, it takes me a long time to get over things. And I'm gonna be okay with that. Screw society's perception. I think more of us need to aspire for closure. Maybe we'd all have a hell of a lot less baggage to carry around.

"Where there is love, there is pain."

"Nothing ends nicely, that's why it ends."

"There's a lot to be said for self delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart."